Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last

By Dating expert April Masini Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.

First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way.

What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.

It works like this:
“Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation.”
Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.

Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.

The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.

Born in Toronto, Canada, Andrea Syrtash has been living in the United States for almost a decade. Andrea served as special editor for two books, "How to Survive the Real World" and "How to Survive Your In-Laws", and has written and lectured extensively on dating and living your best life. She has offered advice on NPR, in USA Today, as a writer for The Huffington Post and on NBC's Today Show. A graduate of The Coaches Training Institute, Andrea has been working with clients as a Life Coach over the past few years. She writes and hosts a dating advice show, ONDating, produced by NBC Digital Studios for ON Networks.

PS: I dead sure a lot of guys need to know this. And gurls, u've breaken so many hearts by saying "can we just be friends?" Got to many assignment, and exam..i'll have more of my original posts soon...sorry..

2 comments:

  1. erm.. i beg to differ here. women/girls ALSO experiencing this nice guy or should i say nice girl get dumped thingy. yours truly for example. so sad.. sob.

    like you say, too easy, too eager to please, too accommodating, too available. too much, too soon.

    even though i know i won't end up getting the guy, but isn't that what you wanted to do for him/her in the first place? you don't need a reason to want to be nice (apart from the fact that if you did, you don't get the girl).

    if you stop yourself from caring, or just play hard to get, then it turns out to be like a game. insincere and unmeaningful. whats the point then? right? +)

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  2. not i say wan la...the writer said wan, not me...hehehe

    i guess it's like fishing, you pull to hard the line snaps, if you dont, then you cannot catch the fish. A lot of things in life must not be at an extreme but at a balanced point, rite?

    thx for coming sue ann!!

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